Wanting...

Wanting to be loved by everyone sucks. But that's my little secret. I want to be loved and admired and excepted by all. That's a very painful secret. For many years I wasn't even conscience of this. But it was there, and it never let me forget. I'd let myself down time and time again, trying to figure out this complex puzzle only to fail again. Why couldn't I figure out the 'secret' to being loved?

I'm aware now. And every now and then I'm tested. Being drawn back into the seduction of wanting to be wanted.

But with awareness comes responsibility. No more denial. I have to look at myself and find me. The true me, not the me I thought I was. Always being focused outwards instead of in, I've lost myself. But every now and then, a wrong word, a wrong look, a stressful event erks me back into that lost self, the old self looking in agony for love and acceptance.

Even though this new self-awareness can be painful, it's also a joyous journey and when I allow myself to take it, I am so rewarded. The pain of this new journey is fair less (even though it can be intense at times) then the old journey. Facing the pain will only reap an abundance of happiness and true self-acceptance. Today is one of those days I consciously looked forward, instead of back.